Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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