Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Randomize
