Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
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She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
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Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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