I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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