Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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