Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
