JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
