cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
