she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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