what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
