now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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