well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
