I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
