see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
