Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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