Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
