Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
