i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
