y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
