I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
pray to the hookup gods
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
