Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
