im gay
i know
yea but for you.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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