Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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