I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
