If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
