So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I think my fart just growled at me.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
FUCK WHALES
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
