dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
