Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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