Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
