So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
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I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
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That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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