I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
