neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Dicks are not precious.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
