My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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