the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
All the doctor said was why
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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