I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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