On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
