If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
