True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
