ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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