I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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