I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
