You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
