Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
