Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
