According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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