Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
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