Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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