Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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