everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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