Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
