I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I did not marry a roomba.
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