Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
