My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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