the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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