Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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