Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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