dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
