Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
